what every guy should know, but so few do
Many women require a perfect storm to enjoy a full orgasm with their partner; the right mood, the right maneuvers, the right man (or woman). When these elements aren’t matching up it can create frustration, and shame. Sensual moments that should be opportunities to increase intimacy can become stress provoking and create further distance. Articles upon articles from Cosmo to Mens Health boast of secrets to life altering orgasms, and yet many women continue to have difficulty climaxing with their partner. In fact statistics suggest that about 75% of women usually don’t experience orgasm during sex (compared to 10% of men) (Sex in American Survey, 1994), and about 10-15% of women have never experienced orgasm. Part of the problem is that female orgasm gets plenty of press and publicity, but it’s often misinformation that’s being dispersed, while some simple basics get skipped over. With that in mind, I thought I would cover some of the fundamentals that every guy should know, but few seem to practice.
I know what you’re probably thinking – “Duh!” But as much as it would seem that the importance of clitoral stimulation for female orgasm is common knowledge, the little love button still gets neglected. This might partly be due to men assuming that the clitoris is being sufficiently rubbed during intercourse, however this is rarely the case. In fact, it’s very unlikely that any intercourse position will provide enough clitoral stimulation for a woman to climax, explaining why the majority of women do not experience orgasm during intercourse. Even when there is clitoral stimulation during intercourse, it’s often not for long enough or not consistent enough for orgasm.
Adding to the neglect of the poor little clitoris, is all this hype about the “G-spot”. The G-spot is understood to consists of an extension of interior clitoral tissue that can be stimulated through the vaginal wall in SOME women. So – not all woman appear to have a “G-spot”, and for those that do, it’s still essentially stimulating the clitoris and requires the same finesse. However, we know that all women DO have a clitoris, so rather than focusing your efforts inside her vagina hoping she’s one of the lucky G-spottees, wouldn’t it make more sense to stick with what we know works?
A public service announcement:
I know that porn is super awesome, but please don’t be fooled by the women who are paid to act like having a penis drilled in and out of them is the greatest ecstasy they’ve ever experienced. Realize this: intercourse in and of itself does feel pleasurable for most women, and your woman may vocalize her enjoyment, and sometimes that’s plenty satisfying enough for both parties without necessarily feeling like everyone has to orgasm. But also know: orgasms are like, the best –
and your lady deserves one as much as you do. So just because she seemed to enjoy herself, doesn’t mean she came… and unfortunately, just because she said she came, doesn’t mean she came.
Despite what porn would have us believe with it’s variety of acrobatic positions, the intercourse position that’s most likely to bring a woman to orgasm is actually a modified version of ol’ faithful Missionary referred to as the Coital Alignment Technique. If a man is on top and leaning more forward (than typical missionary) such that the base of his penis/pubic bone is angled against the clitoris, and he rocks up and down (rather than thrusting in and out), it’s possible for both partners to be stimulated and reach simultaneous orgasm via intercourse. Read more about CAT here
Good Things Come For Those Who Wait
At the root of many frustrated men’s damaged egos, and orgasm-deprived women’s shame is a simple biological truth – women’s bodies take a longer amount of time to progress through the arousal cycle and reach orgasm. Men typically can reach orgasm within a few minutes, women generally need at least 15 minutes. This is true regardless of a man’s sexual prowess, and a woman’s libido. Therefore if a man is only stimulating a woman for the same amount of time it takes him to get off, it’s not enough. Not nearly. Expecting your woman to get off in the same amount of time it takes you is unrealistic and will likely cause frustration. In addition, if she has the feeling that you want her to reach orgasm faster than she can, it will only cause anxiety and distractions; further inhibiting her ability to reach orgasm.
You want to create an environment where she feels like she has all the time in the world, because you truly enjoy pleasuring her. This means that you should begin stimulating your female partner long before you are stimulated, or continue afterwards (or both! After-all, women can have multiple orgasms!). The average woman requires at least 15 minutes of stimulation to climax, and will become sore after about 45 minutes, so use that as a guideline for the amount of time to spend pleasing your woman. While only 30% of average women report reliably reaching orgasm with their partner, research shows that 93% of women who’s partners spend 20 minutes or more on foreplay, reliably experience orgasm.
Steady Rhythmic Movement
Imagine your penis is being stroked at a nice steady rhythm, when all of a sudden your partner starts doing something completely different. It might feel good, and exciting, but the change of pace might also have slightly interrupted your progress towards climax. Well the same is true for women except much more dramatically so. There’s nothing wrong with trying some different things when you’re playing downtown, in fact that’s part of what makes things fun and exciting. But know that when you want to bring your woman to climax, it usually requires a steady rhythm of stimulation, possibly with gradually increasing speed and pressure.
This is another reason why intercourse often doesn’t lead to orgasm. Some men might stimulate the clitoris for a bit during foreplay, then again during intercourse, and maybe even again after a change in position – Well intentioned, but the stopping and starting, and different rhythms are going to interrupt that 15 minutes of clitoral stimulation.
Sometimes men may think that doing the same thing for too long might get boring for the woman, or perhaps they become concerned that what they’re doing isn’t working. But generally, if a woman is close to climaxing and then her partner aburptly switches up the rhythm, she’ll lose her momentum and have to start building towards climax again. Often times the next technique her partner tries is just as pleasurable, but the change of pace just sets her back in the progression towards climax. These concerns can be addressed with some healthy sexual communication (discussed farther below), i.e.: ask your girl to signal you if she likes what you’re doing and doesn’t want you to stop.
Avoid Direct Clitoral Stimulation
I know, I know… seems like I’m contradicting myself here. Hear me out.
While the clitoris is key for female orgasm, it is an extremely sensitive area with 8 thousand nerve endings. Some well-meaning, eager to please men will go right for the clitoris and apply intense, direct pressure, even pushing back the skin on the mons pubis to better expose the clitoris. Love the enthusiasm boys, but for many women this much direct stimulation is too intense.
It might be helpful to think about the clitoris as analogous to the penis – after all they’re made from the same embryonic tissue. The visible part of the clitoris is comparable to the head (or glans) of the penis. For many men, direct stimulation concentrated on the head of the penis can also become too intense. Now consider that the penis has half as many nerve endings as the clitoris. What you might not have known is that the clitoris also has a shaft, similar to the penis, that runs about an inch from the glans towards the belly button under the skin. Consider involving this in your stimulation as much as one might involve the shaft of the penis in stimulating a man. Other ways to avoid over-stimulating the clitoris is to limit your use of a pointed tongue or the tips of your fingers. Instead opt for a flat tongue or several fingers together in order to disperse the pressure throughout a wider area. A great way to learn what works for her is to just provide a surface (your tongue, your gums, your fingers, etc.) and let her guide the pressure and rhythm by rubbing against you.
No Need for Spread Eagle
You know that sexy move you do that spreads her legs wide? Yeah, don’t do that. At least not if you want her to be able to orgasm. A lot of positions that seem really sexy (and can certainly feel good and provide novelty excitement) actually restrict blood flow to a woman’s pelvic muscles, inhibiting her ability to enter into the automatic muscle spasms that come with orgasm and can thereby delay or prevent her from reaching orgasm. This is another reason why many positions for intercourse are not ideal for female orgasm. As a rule of thumb, her legs should be about 6-9 inches apart when you’re trying to bring her to climax. Having her lie flat on her back with a pillow under her lower back is really ideal for the relaxation and blood flow needed for orgasm. Other exciting positions including 69ing, kneeling, standing, etc. (while fun) usually create too much muscle tension and constriction for orgasm. This doesn’t mean you have to resign to vanilla sex. Women don’t experience a refractory period after orgasm like men do, so I suggest setting your lady up for success, bringing her to climax, and then explore whatever wild positions and techniques you (consensually) choose for your own pleasure.
Comfort and Confidence
For many women, sex is as psychological as it is physical, and so preparing your woman’s state of mind is as important as any of the above advice. Sometimes a woman’s biggest obstacle to achieving orgasm is getting out of her own head, so the more you can do to help her be present and tuned into her physical sensations over the static in her head, the better. Particularly loud static often consists of stress, and insecurities. Do what you can to help her unwind and let go of any stress whether its via a relaxing back rub, bubble bath, relaxing music, or even just diverting her attention to something enjoyable like a movie before you become physical, or even just giving her some time to unwind.
Realize that sex can make many women feel extremely vulnerable and exposed. Any insecurity that a woman has about herself physically or sexually is going to be at the forefront of her mind, making it very hard to focus on the physical sensations in her body. Help your woman by doing what you can to make her feel she has nothing to be insecure about. There’s no such thing as over the top here fellas – make her feel like a goddess. Tell her how beautiful she is, how much she turns you on, how much you love her body. Feeling pressure to orgasm can get in the way of orgasm, so again, let her know how much you enjoy every aspect of pleasuring her, and that she has all the time in the world. The more confident and sexy she feels with you, the better the sex is going to be – guaranteed.
This chick’s got nothing on your girl!
Part of making her feel comfortable is also being mindful of the environment. If she’s too cold or too distracted by harsh lighting or an uncomfortable position it can be harder to relax and be present. If she feels self-conscious with the lights on, turn them off. If she’s more comfortable under the covers, cover her up. This is her time – you can discuss compromises for when it’s your time.
While I hope this provided some helpful basics, remember that every woman is different, and every woman’s orgasm is unique. The advice above can serve as a guideline, but it won’t all be true for every girl. The number one best thing you can do for your sex life is communicate. Talking about sex can be sensitive, as the topic tends to make us all feel very vulnerable. We wonder if what we do is normal, and if what we like is acceptable. We wonder how we compare to others, and we wonder what our partner is thinking. We avoid the topic for fear of rejection, but in exchange we sacrifice amazing fulfilling sexual connection with our partners.
So ask what turns them on, ask what feels good and what doesn’t, ask what they’ve been curious about but never tried, ask how they masturbate, ask what they fantasy about. Consider yourself a student, going for your Ph.D in pleasing your partner. The rule for healthy sexual communication is: no judgement, and no defensiveness. If your partner shares that something you’re doing isn’t working, rather than taking it as an insult, take it as an opportunity to learn to better please your partner. If your partner shares something you’re not comfortable with, remember you don’t necessarily have to act on the things you communicate about, but your relationship and sex life will benefit just due to your ability to openly and non-judementally communicate about your wants and desires.
Now maybe it seems like I just threw a lot of information at you, but remember practice makes perfect! Hopefully, once you start implementing some of these basics and begin a dialogue with your partner about your sexual preferences, you’ll find that bringing your woman to climax is a relatively simple process. To be fair, a woman shares responsibility for her orgasm, whether it’s managing her own stress or honestly communicating her needs – amazing sex is a team effort. If you and your partner continue to experience frustration and difficulty regarding orgasm, you might consider consulting with a doctor, as many medical issues and medications can influence one’s ability to climax.
I want to conclude with a reminder that orgasm is only one part of sexual experience and expression. In my opinion, when we have sex with the sole purpose of getting off, we’re limiting ourselves sexually. I’d encourage everyone to explore, enjoy, and indulge in all aspects arousal without considering each act as a step towards orgasm. That being said, it’s nice to be able to give and receive the gift of an orgasm with your partner, and I hope some of the tips above might help with sharing that gift.